A Bastard's Book (1 Viewer)


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A young man born in snow
Well travelled, well learned
The Bastard child of Snow & Scale
A book concealing deepest thoughts

A Jovial Son
Larger than Life
The Errs and Flaws He Works Through
Hidden Fears and Doubts Masked with a Smile
Scrawled in Laetal over the Pages

I feel relieved to b e home, I cannot deny this. The sound of the water, of the W I N D makes me feel once more at ease.
How ever, I do not feel like I am as welcome as I once was. Perhaps it's the foolishness of my recent years, perhaps it's simply my old fae f e a r s returning. The ones I thought I had delt with.
Mead helps, though too much clo u ds my mind too much. Makes me vulnerable, especially after I gifted my weapons to my old comrades.
I know I need show no fear, Hilda has welcomed me home.
Yet her vsia V I S A G E is a haunting one. Burns line her body. I cannot imagine what could have caused this.
Or the pain she must have felt.
If I had come sooner, could I have protected her from this?
If I had not left, could I have PR EV EN TE D it from E V E R happening?

I cannot answer my own questions as to why I left for so long. I tell myself it was for learning, for experience, but I know that's untrue.
I do not know what is true.
Ws Was I having too much fun? Did I not want to leave the friends I had made? Was I so foolish to B E L I E V E what I was doing was making a change?
Was I scared that I would be shunned and hated for my time away?

I have no answers right now, and the most I can do is try to ignore these doubts and drown them in mead and ale if I must.
I need to focus now, to ensure that I get whatever foothold in this familiar, yet so foreign land.

The cold feels nice.

The past days have been a mix of uncertainty, a w k w ardness, and drunken haze.
Right now I am not at my best, I can not deny this. I am uncertain and lost in a land I once called home.
What bothers me the most is that I'm unsure if it is I who has chag changed, or if it's this place.

Perhaps it is both.

That being said, I believe I know the best way forward. I wish to become a soldier.
It will likely give me access to weaponry and armour, give me experience, and allow me to get some more coin in my pockets than what I managed to bring back here from my old life.
I need to t h i n k about this more. To try to identify if this is the best course of action.

I am yet to talk to Hilda again. And I don't know if I feel good or bad about that.

I still have a lot I need to refamiliarize myself with but I do feel more confident in my abilities now.

So that's something.

I have managed to get myself a house. It's nice, big, and warm. It includes a personal bath t u b, even.

It belonged previously to a man named Drachir who is now the Karl of his own town, Austrad or something like that.
He is PECULIAR to say the least. It's quite eevdi evident that he is hiding something though what exactly I am unsure.
He seemed almost paranoid that I would find something in the house. I've searched as much as I could and I didn't find much.
With the exception of some strange claw marks.

What exactly caused them, I do not know. I don't bei believe I've ever encountered a creature which leaves those exact markings. Could be a bear of some description, I suppose, but why was it in his home and near the top of a post? And why does he seem so bothered with hiding it if it's just a bear or wolf of some description? Also, the markings left, I doubt something of
that S I Z E would have had difficulty fitting through the door.

All of this is compiled with his frequent warning about roaming around the wilderness of his town after dark.
I have some theories, though nothing wholly concrete yet. I need more opinions, more information.

I've still not seriously talked to Hilda about how she A Q U I R E D her scars. I need to do that.

I have a problem.

My habit of drinking has gotten me into trouble once more. It's nothing serious, but waking up with a splitting headache in a
location I cannot even point to on a map is something I do not wish to become a frequent occurrence in my life.
Not anymore.

It ws wasn't serious, thankfully enough, but it was far from my most pleasant of memories.
I'm trying to do better, to be better. But if I keep drinking like this then I feel that'll never happen.

Attempting to q u i t outright has failed, too much strain on my body. I have to make it a gradual thing.

I feel like starting simple is the best direction to take with this. Two tankards of mead every six hours with strict restrictions on having anymore.
That seems like something I can do right now.

I will never be free of my memories.
Of my mistakes.

But that's what life is, in the end, a collection of mistakes. It's what we learn from them, that's what matters.

I am down with alcohol. I'm going to quit wholly. I can not keep moving the line, making compromises.

I am going to go through agony. But it's what I deserve, I suppose.

I have met a WOMAN, going by the name of Zena. She is like a demon sent by V i t t i l a u s to haunt me to tempt me back into mistake.

It won't work. I will resist it. I will stand unshaken in spite of what is thrown at me.

I will be better.

I feel the worst of my withdrawal has passed. Of this I am thankful.
An unlikely aid appeared at my door as I was going through the worst of it.
It was Z E N A.

She came to discuss and dredge up the awkwardness of our last encounter in which she attempted to seduce me and I, lacking the ways with women of my father, reacted in a less than desirable, awkward manner.

Well, to discuss that and to steal various miscellaneous things from me. She took nothing of importance, in truth I don't even have anything of importance.

But, well, I am unsure why she stayed with me.

Sure, it could be said that she didn't want to be present for my death in case she was caught in my home.
Or she wanted to keep me alive so I could be ransomed at a later date.
But, I don't know, s o m e t h i n g about it ################################

I don't know in honesty. I am not foolish enough to believe someone like her actually cares about me.
But at the same time, am I wishing for that to be the case?
Perhaps I'm simply acting foolish, my mind confused by a woman actually showing interest in me.

I don't know.

She did stay with me through the worst of my withdrawal, though, and although she was rather blunt and, to an extent, threatening, I do owe her for that much.

For the time B E I N G I need to focus on other matters. She had a point when she called me V U L N U R A B L E, I do lack any weapons to defend myself with currently.

And, well, letting her into my home in spite of my lack of ability to stop her was a stupid decision.

I need to stop thinking of her and focus on what matters. I need to talk to Hilda. I fear we may have an issue with either a lycanthrope or lycanthrope harborer in Vinnagard. And I have the evidence to prove it. These matters are more concerning to me than anything with that woman.

I am a fool. An idiot. A moron.

I do not know what has happened, not exactly, all I know if that I sat on a throne. One I knew had something, some sort of curse linked to it.
Well, I S U S P E C T E D it had something like that linked to it.

A spectre of some description was sitting on it before dissipating. I believed it to be cursed, and, well, now I am cursed.
But better it happen to me than one of my comrades.

I don't know what has happened. All I know is that I heard a loud voice and felt I N D E S C R I B A B L E pressure on my body when I sat on it.
I may be dying slowly, and I suppose I'm okay with that. But Zena isn't.

She seemed almost afraid for me in spite of her attempts to hide it. I don't know. Maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see.

We kissed. It was more meaningful than other times. And, well, she said she didn't have feelings for anyone but that sounded like a lie.

I don't know exactly.
Maybe I'm seeing and hearing what I W A N T to hear?

Regardless, I know it won't work even if we were to court each other. Lives are too different.

But that doesn't mean I want it any less.

I am unsure what I wish to do. But, well, I do suppose it doesn't matter.

After that interaction with her when she was with her cousin she was cold and even C R U E L once more.
That lady confuses me like none other I've ever met, not even Natasha.

But, well, she wants me to figure out what my curse is, and how to fix it if it has a chance of harming me. I suppose if I can't love or court her openly the least I can do is that.

I am sure in spite of my efforts that the All-Father will take me if it is my time.

H O W E V E R, that won't stop me from trying to fix whatever's wrong with me.

I don't know what to write. What I should write. What I can write.

All I know is that I must write.

Zena and I, we expressed our feelings, our love for each other.

But, well, our lives are different. It wouldn't work, it could never work.

She left the north, and I found myself back in, what is it, Highmeadow? The tavern where we first met.
I don't know why I went there, not really, but I found her there.

Our conversation was brief, but it was enough.
Anyway, I bid her farewell acknowledging that we cannot be together and, well, that was that.

My first real love lasted a single night.
But, well, that's just how things go, I guess.

I don't quite know what I'm doing with my life.

I've managed to idenit identify what my curse is, at least it's main effect.
If I use a weapon against someone I am overwhelmed by a great coldness and pain in my chest.
If I'm correct, it's something to do with my heart.

It seems almost P O E T I C how this curse coincides with my love life troubles.

Speaking of, I'm unsure what I'm going to do with Zena.
I love her, a part of her, but that part cannot be worn openly with the life she has found herself in.
Instead, she is often dismissive and somewhat cruel, the effects of which are only more painful to witness knowing that somewhere
hidden deep within her is some degree of a caring and loving person.

On top of this, her more frequent personality has kept us from discussing anything really related to our relationship.
Or, maybe, lack thereof. I still don't know.
I've no problems with her being promiscuous, I believe there are values to be found in polyamorous pairings.
But if she continues to steel her emotions and avoid discussing them with me.
I don't know.

Perhaps I was right, and it's best left alone, our lives being far too incompatible.
But whenever I think I'm okay with that something happens that makes me question it.

I will focus on trying to find a cure for my curse for now, I'll figure out more about what's happening with her at a later time.

It's not healthy to ruminate about her this much.
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Added a new entry which touches on Hvitserk's personal struggles with excessive alcohol consumption.

Oh, the quest to be better.


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Hvitserk is once again conflicted between his deepest feelings and what he knows to be right.

I am once again drunk.

Very few things change.


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Added the next entry which marks what could be a close to his first significant character arc.

Can we get an F in the chat for our snowy boi?

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