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Experiences on Maluele (1 Viewer)

Kaoiyr

Gina Loves Playing Tahm Kench
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Kaoiyr
Patron 4
"It was late at night, you held on tight"

Thaddeus couldn't meditate yet. He didn't even truly know how to meditate, or how it worked, or if you had to do anything about it. The rain pattering on the ruins of the tower disrupted him. His thoughts raced too fast for him to be calm, for him to effectively 'grab' a thought. He still felt residual anger, frustration for what had been done to him. He felt weak in a sense. Weak that he could not live up to his promises to himself, to his dedication that he'd slaughter the man who did such a thing to him. It would've made him feel a lot better, sure, but Thaddeus couldn't help but feel the sense of morbidity afterwards. He'd never done something like that, maiming someone. At the same time, he'd never been through put such a hell before. He felt simultaneously justified yet wrong, conflicted on an inner scale. He wondered if Mikael even truly was intending to change. Thaddeus hoped he did, but he couldn't shake the thought of it. He stood up, and looked over the volcano of Maleule, standing on the ruined tower.

He glanced downwards. A long drop, with a rocky ending. If only it were that easy. He heaved a deep sigh and thought about it for a moment. Not the long fall with a sudden stop, but about those in the volcano. In that home alone, he had Kaish and Seraphina. Talking, hopefully. Kaish was a virtuous woman. Diligent, patient, temperate, humble. Seraphina was the walking epitome of joy and happiness, and what was good with the world. In Florentia, he had his family, and Olivia. A woman who seemed to love him no matter what, despite everything. Who supported him, and helped him whenever needed. Those three felt like the only ones truly there for him. He figured Merrick despised him for taking his sons hand. He never wanted to see Mikael again, and he figured Cecilia felt the same for him. The feeling of joy that he felt thinking of Sera, Kaish, and Olivia was washed out by that resentment. That hatred. How does one remove such a deep rooted and strong emotion without violence?

He took a seat, the rain washing off of his hair, face, and down his armor. His kukri was back within the volcano, but his vine remained. That vine was a constant reminder that above all else, the Lady had faith in him. He did not only have faith in his goddess, but that the very divine herself believed in him to continue doing what was right. Yet, she still hadn't appeared. Maybe she knew, maybe that's why and how Sera appeared when she did. He remembered that purple haze that surrounded their entire world, that fog. But he didn't want to fight that, not anymore. He wanted to take a step back. He wanted off of the world's wild ride, the stage of decision making where the wrong move could have thousands dead or a wronged future. He only condemned a thirteen year old to that fate when he decided he didn't want to anymore. He felt selfish, yet rightfully so. The world had wronged him, the person he had hope to save the world left him for dead in another dimension and his ability to save anything revoked. With these thoughts in mind, and with that vine on his arm, he felt right in his thoughts.

But not all was right. Guilt hung over him. Lucrece was bright, too bright for her age. Even she saw what Thaddeus couldn't. He feared judgement. He feared what others thought of him, how he was perceived. He always wanted to be the good guy in the story. The hero that was sung and praised, they always seemed so happy, but such were the works of fantasy. He had worked endlessly to try and reach the point of any sort of joyful peace, yet none had came. When he stepped on one issue, two more popped up. On and on it went, and by himself he tried to conquer it. Here he is now. What he couldn't help but think of was Quince, back in the Mandaraz. Their plan to save themselves from the dragonriders. Their plan for Florentian involvement. What had Thaddeus done? He doubted himself. He still felt doubt within himself. Something in the Veil had took something away. Had he been able, he would've come as a dragon to Victus. Yet, he could not. He felt that without his abilities, he was useless. At the other end, he wanted to prove that wrong. How would he prove that wrong?

How would he feel just in his actions? How would he find peace within himself, and remove his rage? How would he help those in need without feeling the weight of his world on his shoulders.

"So, what have we figured out, Thaddeus..?" He asked himself, a cold sweat starting to form as his body began the early stages of withdrawals.

"That we have a lot of time to spend here?"

((im just gonna post each meditation tidbit here, this aint the end))
 

Kaoiyr

Gina Loves Playing Tahm Kench
Team Leader
Lore Team
Build Team
Progression Team
Kaoiyr
Kaoiyr
Patron 4
"From an empty seat, a flash of light"

Thaddeus ended up back in that same tower, contemplating silently. A lot more had happened in such a short time, but he felt better. A lot better than when he came here. He felt at least reaffirmed in his faith, affirmed that things could be better. Sera welcomed not one, not two; but three new children into the world, and Thaddeus helped save her and make sure they came out fine. Arvora answered his prayers, and truly so. She demonstrated that she was unbent, unbroken, and unwavering, and even went as far as to deliver Sera and him to the hospital. For that, he was grateful. It took him until now to realize that for the entire time, he had spaced off the veil, Mikael, and everything that happened there. He was distracted, allowed to focus on other things and other problems. The second he did though of course, he sulked a little, sinking back into a sit on the tower.

Luca. That thought kept reoccuring to him, the thought of being able to wander and explore. Spend time with Luca, show him that if he wants to use a sword, how to properly handle having the power between who lives and who doesn't. Show him to be a better man when he grows up. Then there were Sera's children, that he wanted to help be there for as well. It occured to him that he was now the grandparent generation, most children when he was an adult have had kids by now. While he had plenty of age ahead of him, in the coming years, he felt something was still about to be decided, something that truly would make or kill him. He wants to at least make sure he leaves a good mark and impression on the children he does have. He was adamant that he wasn't a great father, but he wanted to at least make sure his children would be different, or most of them.

He'd talk to Kaish, and express desire to slowly go back to the rest of the world, but still come back here. A slow readjustment, but one he felt almost too eager for, especially considering right before this, he felt far more cynical and pessimistic. He certainly had a lot more time to spend here, but he began feeling needed again.

He had faith that his goddess had faith in him. His vine wrapped around his arm confirmed that, and if the Lady herself was confident with him, he would feel confident with himself, that he was making the right choices.
 

Kaoiyr

Gina Loves Playing Tahm Kench
Team Leader
Lore Team
Build Team
Progression Team
Kaoiyr
Kaoiyr
Patron 4
"It will take a while, to make you smile"


Wailing could be heard from the jungles, as somewhere, hidden under the canopy of the trees, behind the dense foliage and flora, someone tore himself apart. "Is this the punishment you saw fit for me?" His voice accused, to nobody in particular.

"To bring me so close to the one thing I desired most, only to know that it could never happen?" His voice was filled to the brim with rage, yet he still sobbed while speaking. He was shaking, his breathing ragged but quick. Thaddeus was lying on his side, in an awkward position. It looks like he practically collapsed there.

"For all the vices I've committed, for all the injustices I've done, the hearts I've broken, the families I've torn apart for my own desires, and you knew well the one person who would tear me apart should it happen to me." His voice mellowed down to a quite mumble.

"Maybe in another life.." He whispered, before the emotion began pouring out again, letting out a scream. A genuine scream of anguish, the same kind Sera advised him to do to release his emotion. It only made him angrier, more torn, he writhed on the ground.

"It was my fault for thinking it could ever happen, for letting my hopes get the best of me. I knew long before it couldn't happen, but when the moment showed itself, I seized it. What a fucking /fool/ I was." His jaw clenched as he spoke those last few words, his fists balling up.


"I couldn't have just settled with one, settled with Olivia. She was everything I wanted, why was it that Sera drew my desire? Why is it that when I find someone I can be happy with, someone somehow seemingly better can get the best of me? How have I let this happen over and over? Why can't I draw a line and stay with something for once in my life, I can never be satisfied!" Finally, his voice gave out. The endless shouting, the screaming, tore his throat apart.

He finally lay still for once, panting on the ground with shaking breaths and hands. He didn't blame Sera, he didn't want to at least. He still wanted her, and likely always would, but for now, Thaddeus couldn't help but focus on those four words, that single sentence that kept repeating in his head.
 

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